Bye to yesterday, nothing left in my way.

Ha… sitting in 6th period with my lovely computer, typing away the usual despair. I hate this. I’m supposed to be all excited for the end of the year and everything, but more than anything else, I’m just nervous. Mainly about going to England.

I know, I know, it’s great, fan-fucking-tastic. I should be beyond grateful that I’m smart enough to have gotten in, that I’m gonna get to study weapons and strategy – and studio art – at Cambridge university. What is there not to be happy about?? But as usual, I’m being a downbrained pessimistic assface and glooming over the problems of the situation, the first being that I’m not going to know anybody there.

Seriously. I’m not exactly a social butterfly. Sure, I’ve got my posse, and a shitload of other friends, but that’s taken months and in some cases, years, to establish. Plus I don’t like that whole exclusion thing that happens at every new place you visit, where everyone seems to know someone else except you, you know the feeling? Kapoesh? Na no da? I don’t want to leave behind what I’ve got. This’ll be my first summer without my best-friend-turned-sister, Ju Dra, and I’m not gonna see India for four weeks – again – and what about Courtney? She’s already having the shittiest year ever; I don’t want to make it worse. I’m scared she’s going to dump me for someone who can actually be there. I would, in her place.

And the worst part is that I just found out, after sending my app in months ago, that I don’t get internet there. They have some one-hour-a-day computer lab shit, but it’s not the same as curling up at night to watch a Junjou Romantica episode or surfing Sensitive Pornograph tout le soir. Fuck. I can’t keep in contact with anyone I care about, Facebook being a small exception, electronically.

I’m going to have to start writing letters.

I do NOT want to start writing letters.

Stupid summer. I just want a damn break, no da, and it’s being a bitch and keeping my schedule full. I ain’t gonna get back in Philly until two weeks before sophomore year starts. Goddammit!! I hate traveling, I hate summer, and I hate. Not. Having. Internet.

Materialistic as ever. Haha.

Qwerty.

Better when I don't care about things you say.

Yeah, I'm definitely shot to shit right now. Why I have to feel guilty about every single thing that comes my way, I have no idea. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I don't want to be a goddamn shoulder to cry on anymore. Everyone always needs sympathy, and I, being the idiot that I am, am ALWAYS there to offer it.

Why do I have to be the dumbass who's always stuck in the middle??

Mom's crying because her life has hit a low, the world hates her, she's stressed out. My siblings just avoid her, as does HER BOYFRIEND - don't get me wrong, I love him - and I'm the only one who goes out of her way to hug her and spend my time thinking up answers to her questions.

Rashana's upset that Trebor doesn't come to school for one day. I mean, I love her too, but holy fucking shit, it's a few days. Does she have any idea what it's like to barely even see the person you're dating? And at least you don't feel awkward as shit about seeing them, because you don't totally trust them. They have such a good relationship, at least to me, but I'm still ALWAYS willing to clean up the mess. And that's for both of them.

Oh yeah, and there's Emmy. Hell, it's weird calling her that, but what's even weirder is watching her life fall apart because one of her best friends is being a bitch, so I totally know how that feels, but then I am the one indirectly dealing with both of their emotional issues.

HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?! Why is it that I get blamed for this kind of shit? And no, it's not real, accusatory blame - thank god - but it's almost worse. I have to deal with everyone else's lives, and the worst part is, they're not doing anything except screwing themselves over. I'M the one with the guilt issues here. I'M the one who could see the person I hate the most frown even the slightest and immediately feel this inner urge to comfort them.

It's not nice. It's... something else. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it started with Donna in eighth grade, and since then it's just been getting worse and worse. God, I hate myself so much for the pity and sympathy I haul around like a truckload. There's no real outlet. If everyone else has ME to make them feel better, then who do I have? What's MY emotional garbage bag that I can just spew all my feelings into?

The worst part is that one of the people who's really, truly important to me, more so than almost anyone I know, has all these backed up problems that I didn't know about. She gets upset for reasons I can't possibly comprehend. I thought I understood her, but I guess I was wrong. It looks like I don't. I told her everything about me when she asked me too. I gave my soul up to her, and what do I get in return? Lies and secrets. I know the lies are tiny, I know they're lies made to protect me, so I won't have to deal with this shit, but they just make things worse. When she tries to hide her feelings from me in person and then just spills them out over the internet for all her friends to see, how is that supposed to make me feel?

I'm very demanding when it comes to materialism; gotta gotta be damned because I want it all, no da? Being my friend or family is an expensive deal. But in terms of emotionally commitment, I ask practically nothing. I'm always the one giving, never the one taking. Never once have I been truly comforted by ANYONE, with the exception of three friends who might as well be my sisters, and that's their duty anyway. My parents do an okay job, and that's why I love them. But everyone else just makes me feel worse about myself. Their misery, their grief, even their mere discomfort is multiplied tenfold when I'm drowned in it.

I've never been so depressed as I am now. I don't know how to tell her, because she matters, and I know that this knowledge would just make things worse between us. And I don't want us to go in that direction. I knew that if I let her get close to me, I was taking a chance. But I've got damn good luck. I thought I was safe. But this is just my lesson, that I can't get close to others anymore. I'm scared. I am. I'm scared of how I'm gonna end up if I keep pushing myself around like this. And I have no one to turn to because I just have WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING PITY!!

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I ever come first? Why couldn't I have been someone who only cares about herself both inside AND out? It's true, I am the number one person in my life, or at least I think I am.

But I'm not even living my own life anymore. I'm a stupid fucking collage of everyone I know, including people who I'm not even supposed to care about. If everyone else was happy, I'd be happy too.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?